Isobel

There have been a lot of random thoughts going through my head recently.

An assumption that I so often make is that human nature cannot be adequately labeled when looking at people on a large scale.
But can't it?
If you really think about it, and as Freud believed, we are animals. We're driven by animal-like demeanor and wants. Deep down, we all want food, shelter, and sex. It's been proven that we need love to survive, and I wouldn't doubt that humans want love. To be accepted, to be the center of attention, to have someone always there for you.
Are these wants and "needs" so bad?
Should we ignore the feelings, thoughts, opinions, needs and wants of other human beings to come out on top of the food chain?
Is it really so bad to put yourself first?

This isn't a black-and-white situation. There are so many other shades to consider; so many sides to look at.

The biggest mistake we make is confirming our own beliefs without thinking.
Does that make sense?

I've been conditioned to think the worst of people. In my eyes, I am not any more advanced than Pavlov's dogs.

Humanity, give me a reason to join the anarchists.


On a clearer note, I'm enjoying my time in school, and in my relationships.
I think I'm happier about my hesitation with Daniel. The phrase "How many others have you said this to?" constantly stands in the back of my mind. Whether or not that's a good thing, I'm not sure.

I failed to make any New Year resolutions.
Signed up for classes today:
MWF - 10-11:24 - Political Science
TTH - 10-12:15 - US History
MW - 7:25-9:40- Social Problems, with the darling Angeline.

At this point, I wish financial problems would dry the fuck up.

I look forward to how this year plays out.

It's funny looking back on things; remembering things.
Remembering love, remembering family, remembering friends, fights, losses, wins, books, songs you've heard, poems you've written, problems you should have addressed and secretly regretting the ones you brought up.
It's funny when you remember the details in the aftershock, but at the time you could only stubbornly focus on the big picture.
Even funnier that I address you, when I mean myself.

I feel that escaping life for temporary resolutions makes you weak.
I know that it doesn't, but I feel that way.
I feel that not speaking to someone deteriorates any relationship you had with them.
I know that it may make it stronger, over time, but I don't feel that way.
I know that I can't control the way I feel about things, but I feel bad for being disappointed in you.
I know that crying doesn't make you weak, but I feel like it does.
I know that you're happy with the way things are going thus far in life, but I also know that things have to change.
And I just want you to know that too.

I'm tired of money problems pulling me back.
More than that, though, I'm tired of others' problems holding me back.
Money is engineered, but happiness isn't; families are engineered, but relationships aren't.

I try too hard to sound sophisticated when I write.
Too hard to be elusive and charismatic in a "beat-around-the-bush" sort of way.
Mr. McAllister was right: I try too hard to sound smart.
I need to just let it flow.

My life's as rocky as the mountains, but it's just as stable.
I'm sort of tired of crumbling at the smallest of troubles.

I seem to think that the more friends I have the better I'll feel.
What's wrong with me? I don't need popularity. I never have.
I feel like conformity is the best solution all the time.
But I want to be the water in that oily solution; I'm above all of that, am I not?

I worked out today and I felt great. Half an hour every damn day.

The truth is: I'm scared and I'm not alone and I'm far too naive to admit it.

I used to hate my short-term memory, but I feel like I'm slowly falling in love with it.
Maybe forgetting about things isn't the best coping mechanism, but fuck, I'll take it.

I never realized how closed minded I was.
I've enjoyed living with open eyes.
You  smoke weed? Awesome.
You drink? Awesome.
You support abortion? Awesome.
You don't? Awesome.
Everyone's entitled to their opinion.
I have plenty of room to judge, to worry, but it doesn't mean I have to.
You shouldn't give into all of your wants.
Like Stormy Lellywen said: "Delayed satisfaction makes everything better".
Odd Thomas is great.
My next adventure? East of Eden. Maybe. I haven't decided. (:


Ignorance has been closely associated with bliss but that's not the case.
Wisdom and unhappiness are apparently close relatives, and I don't agree.
Mr. McAllister is my hero.
Angeline, I cannot thank you  enough for recommending him!
I know I have a voice in me somewhere, it's just not coherent 100% of the time.
He's helping me find it. Understand it.

 

I have thoroughly laughed my ass off the past three days.
Thursday Nick and Mitch showed me the "Cobra Punch". I swear I almost peed.
Zombieland made me miss Angeline dearly, and I laughed until I cried.
Numerous times.
FUCK THAT CLOWN.

I love being a child, I really do. 
I'm fascinated my MLIA. If you don't know it you need to because it's hilarious.
Following in Erin's footsteps, or maybe Nick's, I'm living Hakuna Matata.
It feels fabulous. I feel fabulous. 

I'm a really open minded person. More so than others.
And I can say that because it's a fact.  (Thank you, CK, for the realization!)
Humans astound me. 
They're - we're beautiful. Even more so when we strip away the facades we've spent so long putting up.
Bare. Naked. Nothing. 
Beautiful. Aren't we? I love people watching. 

Even more so, I love religion. 
Not the dominance that religion thirsts for and runs on.
The basics. The beliefs. Why? Why do they believe this? Or that?
Roman and Greek religion is the best. They're one-in-the-same, yet so, so different.
Mind. Blown.

I cannot wait until I start OC.

Summer of '09: Full of short-comings and long-hauls.
I can already feel the exhaustion brimming over.

Check list at the ready:
1. Gain 3,000 reasons to get over him.
2. Go to Texas.
3. Divorce.
4. Get back together.
5. Resume the divorce.
6. Found.

Fuck everyone who's not excited about this.
I'm ready to start over. I've been ready.
I've been procrastinating.
I don't like to think my entire life rides on education, but the secret is that it does.
I can live without him.
I can live without money.
I can live without Silverdale.
I can live without here, and now.
I just have to learn how.

I'm happy, I am.
Most days, anyway. I'm slowly gaining me back.
My biological dad is coming to visit in November.

I shed more tears on my way home than I did when I left.
I was heartbroken.
Scared, really.
That's the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard.
I was upset about leaving a family that I've known for less than a year.
Family.
They're my family. My family.
Bill and Carol..they're family. They're the parents I've always wanted.
I've shared more with them than I have with my own parents.

I just want to be happy.

[And Zach..I don't even want to get into it.
Let's just say: Trying to fall out of love is scarier than falling in.]


At one point in time on my trip I made both my mother and my grandmother cry.
My mom was bawling.
Divorce is hard. I don't understand how she can be in love with my father.
I don't understand how I can have a soft spot for him.
Maybe I've made up all that's happened, because when I brought it up with my mom all I got was a blank look.
"What?"
I guess what I really want to ask her is: "How can you love someone who is incapable of loving anyone but himself?"
She said she doesn't want to start over.
She doesn't want two of every holiday..two birthdays.
She doesn't want to share us.
My mom's cried on my shoulders too many times to count.
And for some reason I still don't trust her.
How can one person be so strong? I hate her and for some reason I can't stop loving her.

I asked - no, begged - my grandma to take my mom out because she was too afraid to ask her herself.
My grandma came over not too long ago to tell my brothers about how shitty my mom is.
Awesome, right?
I hate involving them in this divorce.
Especially Connor.
I know Eric stays up some nights and cries because of it.
I found out that my mom borrowed a shitload of money from my grandma.
Why can't my family function without fucking someone else over in the process?

My dad is such an asshole.
He had dinner with his girlfriend tonight.



 

I have no family left, and I don't feel anything.
I don't remember, or maybe I never really knew, what family is supposed to be like.

This divorce is killing me.
The immature relationship my parents are maintaining is ridiculous.
Holding hands?
Kissing?
Dating?
We're going backwards and the only thing there is a big fat brick wall.
No, we're not. They are.
They're driving everyone insane with this.
Connor's only nine years old. He doesn't need something like this hanging over him.
He doesn't need to listen to their fighting.

My dad's dating again already.
He spend our last eleven dollars on a movie ticket.
I don't even understand why he's leaving her, other than the fact he's a shallow bastard.
My mom is beautiful, she really is.
I think I'm going to be living with my father..even though Zachary's going to kick my ass when he finds out.

I always thought our last eviction would be the one in Port Orchard.
Apparently I was wrong.
Assuming does make an ass out of you  and me.
Or, at least it makes me an ass.

My mom tells me she's looking for a house so that we don't have to live with my dad.
Howeverslashcomma:
If she's thinking she's going to support four kids she's either
a) insane
b) high off of her ass
or c) got a secret stash of money hidden away.

Bottom line, I guess, is that I need a job.

It's impossible to tell how much you've changed until you get a taste of the old you.
The old me.
The fun me.
The carefree me.
The one whom you could go to.
Who I sort of look up to, now that I look back on things.

I was completely insane yesterday night, when I went to see Transformers.
(Long ass movie, by the way. Good, but longer than Hell and back..)
Made a fool of myself; and loved every second.
I got to hold hands with my Cloney and my brother.
I love those two.
They've really brought out the better side of me.

The mildly racist side, might I add.
Maybe even a little more than mildly.
But it's all in good fun.

I've been really buckling down on myself lately.
Thinking about things that I haven't thought about in ever.
I'm learning to depend more on myself.
In myself.
Independence.
I like it, and I'm starting to like me a little bit more each day.

I have a lot less friends than I used to.
But that's part of growing up. I'm growing up.
I'm growing used to this life, these changes.

On a final note:
I want to get back into writing some more. I love the words that just seem to float from my mind and onto the computer screen.
Although, I do enjoy handwriting things as well.
Maybe I'll start writing in a journal. Just for the hell of it.